Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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