He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
