hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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