my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
