hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
