I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
