nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
