It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
