Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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