Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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