your parents love me but you hate me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
