hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
