I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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