My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
