there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
