Redeem this text for a blowjob
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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