I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
