can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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