That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
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Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
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My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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