Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
