he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
