were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
