I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
