please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I would fuck him just for his dog
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
