guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
