I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
