Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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