So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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