i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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