I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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