i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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