remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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