oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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