Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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