shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
