You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
