Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
