if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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