porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My balls are so social today.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
