I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
