I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
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just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
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So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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