I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may now shotgun with the bride
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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