We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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