Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
