$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
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I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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