We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
