Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
