she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
