Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
