My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
