Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
