I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
