Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
